October 26, 2011

Caught Up in the Emotion

It's hard not to notice that I'm caught up in my anger again.  Instead of letting my quilting speak for me and expressing my love for Twilight through it, I've been dredging up old hurts and talking about them here.

I know that I'm never going to get an apology.  I know that I'm getting nowhere trying to be a thorn in the sides of those I feel injured me.  I know that I'm hurting myself.  I also recognize that I'm probably not winning anyone over with my side of things.

I'm sure that half the time people wonder what the heck I'm even talking about.  They probably wonder why we have a similar blog with a similar name.  They probably just don't care.  They probably just think I'm crazy.

Even with my apology at the time, I still, to this day, feel justified in my actions.  All of them!  I've remained unchanging in my opinions.  I'm sorry that I didn't stick to my guns, tell people that I had to change things a bit or that I refused to use their work because it was so bad.  In my defense, I did try in the beginning.  People took offense.  I sent a group letter expressing my philosophy.  I spoke with co-leaders about my issues.  I even tried to back out as leader....

I know this is because of the letter I received from the group at the time.  I know it's because Iris and Elizabeth piled on instead of advocating, especially since they were right there with me in communication and actions.  I stand by my reaction of demanding my New Moon blocks back and that my work not be used even though it was considered a "tantrum" and low.

The bottom line was that I couldn't stand or stomach my blocks being used in a quilt by those that cared so little for their work, for me, the Twilight Community, or the charity that they were making the quilt for.

It's hard for me to feel this way.  It's hard for me to be an outsider looking in.  It's hard for me to feel hated and unappreciated while they were and continue to be embraced by the Twilight Community

The silliest part of the entire situation is that I don't really want to be a member of a group of such dishonest and cruel people anyway.  The truth is, I shouldn't want to be......  The truth is that I still sometimes long to be a part of the group.

I will always be the loner that craves group interaction.  Most of the time, though, it requires me to compromise too much.  In a perfect world, people would like me for me.

The best I can promise is a better balance between Twilight quilting projects and my expression of woe.

Thank  you!

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